WIPING COUNT: 2

25.mar.2025

i think it's been enough time that i can speak more freely here. there's someone that, if they'd read anything vulnerable i said here, i'd fucking crawl inside and die. i didn't wanna give them the satisfaction of scarring me and i really hope they're as ambivolent as they say they are and never come back to this website, so, i'll talk about it. i can't find a therapist, my girlfriend wouldn't understand it and there's no one else to talk to about it. my life has been pretty miserable lately. at the start of the year i had a relationship with literally the worst person i've ever met. i am a rather empathetic person who thinks no one should be killed unless they don't add anything to the world and don't have the capacity to change. i think this person should die. because of them i'm now distrusting of women, i can't feel passion and i'm more distant than i was before. the image of them comes in my head all the time mocking me or criticizing me, and i just feel powerless. it's insane how someone can be so careless about other people, so evil and walk out of it unscathed and be rewarded by the world. no amount of trauma justifies ruining other peoples lives.
despite this, i'm doing well. except for the fact that i can't find a job and achieving my goals is nigh impossible. i don't want to work for more than a year, because i want to move to another country by then, but i need a lot of money to do that. i hope i can get a work visa and thats the way i do it. all i do every day is stay in my room doing whatever the fuck. lately i've been getting into musicals. i wish i could skip the part where i work here in brazil entirely and go straight to working somewhere else but thats never gonna happen.
that's it, i'm miserable and hopeless. i loved working on this site at the beggining but now i barely come here. there's nothing keeping me here, i even stopped doing AOTW. if my life becomes interesting i'll get more active.

4.mar.2025

hey all! lately i've been cycling between watching house and playing persona 3. i really like p3 now, it grew on me. my girlfriend was invited to go to the ichiko aoba concert in SP in november by a friend and it made me wanna go too, now we're planning to meet for the first time there and it'll be awesome! i'm not huge on ichiko aoba but i'll listen to more of her discog until then.

21.feb.2025

does anyone still access this site.. im alive! been spending my days watching House and planning the rest of my life. my ultimate goal in life changed recently to a much easier and achieavable one, and i'm trying to work towards it as much as i can :)

13.feb.2025

i don't believe i'm a good person or a beautiful human being but you know what, i might be. i won't let them get to me.

12.feb.2025

hey guys! not sure if anyone reads this but i'll update on my life a little. i started making a new game -- stopped working on the other two. also, i got back with my ex-girlfriend who i dated for a year. i haven't been here in a while, don't have any new ideas for the site so i just check in to change the AOTW or add something to the dream diary when i feel like it. i haven't been busy lately but i feel like i have, somehow. anyway, things are going well i'd say. i still feel a little melancholic about everything but i don't feel unmotivated or completely depressed.

6.feb.2025

turned this into a miniblog instead of a diary. wont be using it much tho...

29.jan.2025

won't give up on the site, i'll just pretend no one's here besides me!

26.jan.2025

i think i'll give up on this site and just leave it be. i feel a bit exposed now, and recent events made me think this is a bit of a waste of time. anyway, about my day. yesterday i noticed i was out of meds, so i ended up going through today feeling the horrible abstinence. vertigo, depression, delirium. my dreams were insane, very fever-dream-esque, so complex that i couldn't bring myself to write in my dream diary, though i dreamt of the girl i was dating. her personality was completely different from real life, and i spent the entire day delirious, feeling bad about her (trust me i shouldn't) while forgetting how she really was. i also remembered my ex and felt bad about her. i really wish for her to be happy now but, honestly, without hating me. i don't hate her.
i'm rewatching hxh and it kept me distracted enough to not feel most of the symptoms of the abstinence, though i had a few bursts of tears from it (like when i decided to watch the opening and felt so much nostalgia i cried).

24.jan.2025

so now, a relationship that was totally trivial and meaningless is finally over. it's hard to get too upset about it.

23.jan.2025

i feel good.