WIPING COUNT: 2

14.sep.2025

i'm working on some projects and i'm going crazy with them. i dont go into details about my stuff here because i have this anonimity thing and i fear im gonna eventually get a bit of like, attention, so i don't want to give out too much, but shit, it's hard working on things alone. i'm writing a lot and honestly i'm satisfied with my writing and my ideas. i'm doing a lot of worldbuilding and i can't stop doing it lol. other than that, same as always, just feel a bit anxious about not being able to finish these things by myself. like, i'm working on another site and nothing fucking works? it all looks like shit, i tried to re-do some of the things from this one but they didn't work there. it's like i don't even know anything about html. i asked for help from a friend but he kiiind of didn't solve anything and then hasnt shown up since then. i think i'll actually post something on my neocities profile and ask if someone can help.

07.sep.2025

i got drunk yesterday while extremely sleepy and felt heavenly, i felt a lot of love and sort of happiness and had a smile on my face all the way through. today me and my mom went to a fishing place to have lunch with her friends and it was cool but in the way back the atmosphere was so beautiful i felt the same way. just so much love. i had visions that i won't describe but it was great, i'll upload the pictures to tumblr later.
i don't really have much else to say this time!

01.sep.2025

at some point i got to give up, right? i seriously considered asking my mom yesterday: "if i can't get my life together or be happy, if i can't bring anything to the world, would you let me kill myself?"; i approached with the intent but couldn't do it.
i want to immigrate, but i don't have a degree or job experience. i can get money though, that's not much of an issue. all i need is a country that will let me stay. either way, i feel kind of dead already. i admit to myself and whoever's reading that my view of women has gotten uncomfortably bordering on incel shit. it's not that i don't like women or feel entitled to their love or that i see them as inferior or whatnot - most of the people i know or interact with are women, but the stuff i see seems like... like the algorithm is trying to radicalize me. it obviously wont/wouldnt work but what it does is make me extremely depressed and hopeless. i don't feel any hatred or rage against women, what i feel is that no woman alive today likes men. they might be attracted to men, but they don't like men, and those who say they do are probably way too hetcomped from society to have any real thoughts. i don't know any woman - well besides my ex who's one of the smartest people i know - who recognizes the problems of the male gender and the patriarchy but chooses to be optimistic about it, and it's not because they don't exist, it's because I CAN'T MEET ANY. again, all the algorithm does is put hateful content in front of me - and just leaving social media wouldn't work. the girls i know are like this too. the irl girls i know have this annoyingly hypocritical straight girl attitude of saying "urgh, men... men are stupid and inferior!" then thirsting over them and being obssessed with sex and shit. it's the attitude that bothers me.

do you see how i sound? like, do you think i don't? i'm fucking insufferable! like, this is terrifying. i don't want to be like this or talk about the opposite gender all the time, i hate people like this, but it's all my mind can think of... shit, i thought she cured me and that i'd never care about this again, do i have to make her traumatize me for real?

i'm broken, i'm gross and no one wants to hear me. i'll be alone forever. i'll fucking be alone forever. i'll have to kill myself eventually.

30.aug.2025

my mental health is getting really weird? i haven't slept well for a while, got some massive eyebags. last week i couldn't go to pilates because i was having some anxiety attack and i've been having more of these constantly, i just heard voices again tonight (i hadn't heard shit in a long time) but i guess it's cause i'm not sleeping well. my body feels greasy even though i'm taking showers constantly, like twice a day probably. also i've been getting more and more lonely and depressed but i don't really have anything interesting to say abt it.
there's this "influencer" (she has a few thousand followers) i follow who has a lot of characteristics that i'd usually hate, but i actually really like her because she's very genuine and clearly different from the people she interacts with, and her fanbase, which most of the time don't seem to get her. it's that weird internet mentality where people project their biases onto someone who shares a few opinions and if they differ they go like "nah you suck" when that person had always been clear about that shit. i don't know, just annoying people. she has said that she likes yaoi "not in a normal fujoshi way but in an ugly bastard way" and says she is "a brony, not a pegasister"; she also said she would like to "be reborn as a man, impregnate a woman and bang other men the yaoi way" and i kind of feel the opposite gender way of this... like, if she was a guy i'd like to be the woman she's impregnating. or the guy she's banging the yaoi way. i definitely don't "wish" or believe that me and her would ever be a thing, but i feel like someone like this would work perfectly with me.
ok enough with this shit. i've been doing a lot of different stuff and when it comes to work i'm already tired of freelancing. it's very anxiety-inducing, i feel super paranoid and unstable. i need stability in my life. i need to be hired but i don't have any fucking skills besides what i already do but that's not enough!!! urgh i hate capitalism.
oh also i finished that gig and paypal took like 100 brl from me, those bastards. i needed some money for a trip i'm going to make in november, ive already bought the tickets and shit all that's left is paying for the airbnb, then i'll have like around 1300 brl to buy anything i want. i'll absolutely try not to waste everything but i am definitely gonna buy some cds and shit.


09.aug.2025

I'M WORKING BIATCH!!! im gonna get paid over minimum wage for like, 2 weeks of work. i was gonna submit some articles to some websites but none suit my style or would accept me, still looking tho. man i wish i could write comics without having to worry about audience or like, having to draw them or having to pay someone to draw them. i wish i already had the money or was working for a publisher so i could just write shit.
today i've been feeling extremely angry about things. i forgot to take my medication and that's apparently one of the things it helps me with. i was watching a film and i just so pissed with the characters. i'm really pissed about like, the world too. people are so fucking stupid. everyone just lives in contempt and just accepts all opression and authoritarian shit that's thrown their way, most people think "voting" for leaders is the right way to do things as if GOVERNMENTS have helped the people ever. i'm becoming a full-on anarchist, if i wasn't already. i obviously don't have the means to do things and i'm not a violent person so i just wish other people do SOMETHING. it's not just about genocides and wars and shit like this, it's the never-ending racism and sexism, gender and racial divide from every side. people would rather throw bricks at each other and living miserable under the guide of incompetent malicious assholes than do something about it. people don't have any idea of like, change. no one wants things to change. no one wants to imagine a world without capitalism, without governments, without military, without MONEY... it pisses me off.
anyway uuh i don't know how to end this

27.jul.2025

things have gotten infinitely worse and extremely hopeful at the same time. i've been having problems with my sexuality, or rather, the fact that i don't feel comfortable fucking or hooking up with people i don't know but i also am not interested in anyone and doubt anyone cool enough would be interested in me. it's this paradox of hypersexuality and celibacy, like even online, i don't have any sexual conversations with anyone and it just kind of makes me feel lonely. i said i was trying to meet a woman or whatever with specific kinks and i just am not interested in that anymore. i just don't care. helps that i recently found out about this... well, notorious criminal who's in prison for life and was a real freak, who just so happens to be extremely hot. i think reading about her was enough lol.
about my hope - without giving away tmi about me - i am setting things up for my writing career and it's looking like it's gonna go well. i've been making more music, gotten back into comics, etc. i feel like i can see now a reality where i work from home and am at the very least satisfied with my life. i no longer feel the pressure of not having gone to college or being alone or not having a partner. the sexual shit is sad but it's definitely gonna go away.
something sad though was that i recently accidentally got back in touch with an ex of mine... sort of. i didn't remember but i had asked to follow them on instagram and they suddenly accepted and followed me back. we were liking each others posts and stories, but haven't talked yet. i didn't want to get back with them necessarily but had that open, until they said crystal clear on a story that they don't like guys. they said that before but there were just as many signs that it was bullshit, with the added creepy coincidence that they posted a story on MY BIRTHDAY with the song "i miss my man" by princess chelsea....... so, sure. my sneaking suspicions tend to be right, so i'm not gonna throw away the possibility that i'm the fabled exception to this specific person, but eh. it hurts me because it'd mean they just used me and shit, but it's not like i'd get together with them anyway.
i gotta hella drunk last night and been thinking on getting more into alcohol as a hobbie (code for i really want to be a drunkard). tough given i live with my mother who would probably not like that and find weird if i, the asocial motherfucker, left home friday night with no explanation given. i will probably do that though. i just don't like getting drunk while sitting up or at a place with too much light and sound. if i can get pissfaced at a quiet bar, alone, that'd be swell. some would find it depressing but i'd feel fucking great.

15.jul.2025

hello netizens. i swear i don't only write things here once a month every month on purpose, it's cause i open it and remember this exists and i'm like "yeah fuck it i'll just write some shit". maybe i'll look back on this 10 years from now and think jeez i was such a schizo. but i mean, i have been pretty sure that the world is going to end in 2027 for years. at least, i'm gonna die young. its kind of something i'm both afraid of and not. i certainly WISH i lived more, in fact i'd be satisfied if i lived forever, i don't care if my loved ones die and im left alone without remembering shit i just want to stay alive. anyway, i'm very hasteful on doing things in my life because of that but a combination of executive dysfunction, my probable fibromyalgia and lower level of education has kept me from doing anything at all. i've been trying, i've been trying. i've been exercising regularly since february, i'm still looking for a fucking job though since i probably have fibromyalgia i wont be a fit for almost any job -- couple that with me not having any degree. i've been doing some... uh, personal projects i guess. shit i'd do when i was younger but now i'm an adult so like it's more of an excuse than something that will actually give me money. uhm, i've been thinking a lot about people from my past, and i'm also feeling very lonely. like, to the point that it hurts me physically. i also came into a realization about that person who was the cause for me wiping the diary. i sort of accepted shit i guess. i wouldn't admit this to anyone (certainly not her) but despite the blatant sociopathy and disgusting mysanthropy, a bit of what happened, was, actually, believe it or not, my fault. not that i did anything wrong (ok i said something the last time we talked that was a blatant lie that i told in order to look more evil and fucked up than her but it just made her think less of me as a person), it's cause i wasn't ready for what was happening and i freaked out. not that me acting accordingly would have changed anything, but i would certainly feel better about my behavior. i just don't like being seen as something i'm not.
i guess since january i've become increasingly more political and active about it. seeing the shit happening in palestine, the disgusting dictatorship that trump is trying to do, and the debauchery happening in my own country made me really lose my mind. besides that, there's some fucked up ass conspiracy shit happening with AI and tech companies that's just too weird and kind of make me feel hopeless. the world's gonna end guys!!
so yeah, nothing else happening in my life besides the loneliness. there's a few things i could say but i like to keep some level of anonimity here and that would ruin it. though, i'd like to use this as an outlet to express myself for the first time since i wiped the diary.
lately i've been delving more and more into the disgusting shit i'm into -- some of it which attracted me to that aforementioned bitch -- and i'm like, not ashamed of it. the only reason i'd be ashamed is if i was seeking love and a girlfriend and maybe i'd look like a disgusting freak to a possible girl, but i don't care abt that so i'm just fine. a few days ago i found a comic called Girls, which is about (according to wikipedia:) "naked, flesh eating, egg-laying women" that seduce men and they have sex with them and lay eggs and shit. this seemed like it was written for me. it was one of the worst things i've ever read but it got me to ask chatgpt a billion different questions to find media relating to: theratophilia, gore, insect imagery, reverse-forced, idk any kind of gross woman monster thing that fucks/seduces men and sometimes kills them. i found some interesting films, and today i changed from "gross women seducing men and killing them" to "mutual violent sex", which was fueled by certain images i saw on tumblr. i love the idea of two people hurting each other during sex but not to actually hurt each other, like, they actually feel pleasure in it. i found some stuff that i haven't watched but seem cool.
i've been trying to meet cisgender women (PREFERABLY STRAIGHT) that are into these things solely out of curiosity, cause you know, women are usually less gross and specially less outward sexually because men can be VERY creepy and scary to them. haven't had much luck - but i'm not really that invested in it.
i've been playing team fortress 2 for the past 4 days and i can't stop.
i think i mentioned here an album i was making that's supposed to sound disturbing and heartfelt, sorta like xiu xiu's A Promise, and i'm still trying to do that. the problem is that i seem WAY less creative than i used to be, and i just haven't been able to compose/write things that sound interesting enough for that project. also, my voice isn't very good for those things. very hard to pull off honesty with it, specially when i scream. i did learn a few vocal tricks recently which are pretty fun, so i might incorporate them there.
that's it i'll come back in like a month maybe, who knows. hope you all are having at least a decent year.

10.jun.2025

hey, i haven't been doing much of anything lately. i started looking for a job but there aren't many openings in my city, specially any openings that i'd be able to get. i've been mostly playing fire emblem awakening, listening to music, etc.
me and my girlfriend broke up. it was mutual and amicable, we're still talking like normal and thinking back it was probably inevitable. she said i'm not a good boyfriend - which is true - and that i wasn't the person she loved the most, but she was the person who loved me the most - which is also true. when i got back to her i told her i didn't really want romance and the only person i'd want to be with was her, and that's still true. it's not an important thing to me anymore, but i do still kind of want someone, just WAY less than before. it's not something i actively want and more like something it would be nice to have, but i'm not gonna look for it. i hope she feels good about all this, as i'm getting better. she grew a lot since last year so i know she'll take it well (better than me probably lol).
i decided that i'm going to try writing as a career. like, writing articles for publications. i really hope i get a job at a videogame publication like kotaku or ign in the future but for now i need to sort some things out, get a beefier portfolio and write for small publications. that'll be tough obviously for someone with no college degrees and english as just a second language, but hey, i want that. i didn't want anything in life before this year and i do want to work on that. i also want to move and i have been opening my horizons on the options. a friend of mine moved to ireland recently, i have friends and family around europe and north america, but i would really like to live in asia. i guess, if trump wasn't president, i'd try to live in america, but as is, all i'm gonna do is find a regular nine to five and do my little art projects on the side.

14.may.2025

i haven't opened this in very long. like i said, this site was rlly fun at the beggining but along with what i vented about in the last entry, it just isnt fun anymore. i don't even bother updating my dream diary whenever i have a cool dream. i'm writing in case anyone still remembers me. i'm mostly playing videogames lately and listening to music. sleeping, etc. i'm writing a lot too, a bunch of reviews, one of which is an extremely long one about persona 3. i haven't made almost any music since like january, which REALLY sucks cause it used to be such a fundamental thing in my life. i had so much creativity and willpower to produce these complex layered songs but now i don't have any ideas + making music w instruments is kind of a hassle. i might do a challenge at some point to pump out an album, force myself to it. i have two unreleased projects and one i just can't finish because it has to be "super dark and fucked up", but i can't even make dark and fucked up venting music anymore. the unreleased projects are unreleased because i'm traumatized from alllll of my other releases, i absolutely *need* to release something that garners some attention and that won't happen if i jst release them on bandcamp with little marketing. i need to find a big indie label that accepts me, maybe even make physical releases. also i swear one of these unreleased albums is literally my favorite one i've ever made, it was the most fun to make and i love listening to it, i never get sick of it. it's actually been half done since 2023 lol.
anyway, that's it for today. i won't ever directly link the stuff i do here but, it's actually not that hard to find out who i am. i left it quite obvious to be honest. if anyone is interested enough, they can easily find me. see yall in like a month or something.

25.mar.2025

i think it's been enough time that i can speak more freely here. there's someone that, if they'd read anything vulnerable i said here, i'd fucking crawl inside and die. i didn't wanna give them the satisfaction of scarring me and i really hope they're as ambivolent as they say they are and never come back to this website, so, i'll talk about it. i can't find a therapist, my girlfriend wouldn't understand it and there's no one else to talk to about it. my life has been pretty miserable lately. at the start of the year i had a relationship with literally the worst person i've ever met. i am a rather empathetic person who thinks no one should be killed unless they don't add anything to the world and don't have the capacity to change. i think this person should die. because of them i'm now distrusting of women, i can't feel passion and i'm more distant than i was before. the image of them comes in my head all the time mocking me or criticizing me, and i just feel powerless. it's insane how someone can be so careless about other people, so evil and walk out of it unscathed and be rewarded by the world. no amount of trauma justifies ruining other peoples lives.
despite this, i'm doing well. except for the fact that i can't find a job and achieving my goals is nigh impossible. i don't want to work for more than a year, because i want to move to another country by then, but i need a lot of money to do that. i hope i can get a work visa and thats the way i do it. all i do every day is stay in my room doing whatever the fuck. lately i've been getting into musicals. i wish i could skip the part where i work here in brazil entirely and go straight to working somewhere else but thats never gonna happen.
that's it, i'm miserable and hopeless. i loved working on this site at the beggining but now i barely come here. there's nothing keeping me here, i even stopped doing AOTW. if my life becomes interesting i'll get more active.

4.mar.2025

hey all! lately i've been cycling between watching house and playing persona 3. i really like p3 now, it grew on me. my girlfriend was invited to go to the ichiko aoba concert in SP in november by a friend and it made me wanna go too, now we're planning to meet for the first time there and it'll be awesome! i'm not huge on ichiko aoba but i'll listen to more of her discog until then.

21.feb.2025

does anyone still access this site.. im alive! been spending my days watching House and planning the rest of my life. my ultimate goal in life changed recently to a much easier and achieavable one, and i'm trying to work towards it as much as i can :)

13.feb.2025

i don't believe i'm a good person or a beautiful human being but you know what, i might be. i won't let them get to me.

12.feb.2025

hey guys! not sure if anyone reads this but i'll update on my life a little. i started making a new game -- stopped working on the other two. also, i got back with my ex-girlfriend who i dated for a year. i haven't been here in a while, don't have any new ideas for the site so i just check in to change the AOTW or add something to the dream diary when i feel like it. i haven't been busy lately but i feel like i have, somehow. anyway, things are going well i'd say. i still feel a little melancholic about everything but i don't feel unmotivated or completely depressed.

6.feb.2025

turned this into a miniblog instead of a diary. wont be using it much tho...

29.jan.2025

won't give up on the site, i'll just pretend no one's here besides me!

26.jan.2025

i think i'll give up on this site and just leave it be. i feel a bit exposed now, and recent events made me think this is a bit of a waste of time. anyway, about my day. yesterday i noticed i was out of meds, so i ended up going through today feeling the horrible abstinence. vertigo, depression, delirium. my dreams were insane, very fever-dream-esque, so complex that i couldn't bring myself to write in my dream diary, though i dreamt of the girl i was dating. her personality was completely different from real life, and i spent the entire day delirious, feeling bad about her (trust me i shouldn't) while forgetting how she really was. i also remembered my ex and felt bad about her. i really wish for her to be happy now but, honestly, without hating me. i don't hate her.
i'm rewatching hxh and it kept me distracted enough to not feel most of the symptoms of the abstinence, though i had a few bursts of tears from it (like when i decided to watch the opening and felt so much nostalgia i cried).

24.jan.2025

it's hard to get too upset about it.

23.jan.2025

i feel good.