day 6 - 4.jan.2025

AARGHARJGAFJGJFAFHJ i am so lonely oh my god.
i did nothing today. i wrote a bit of the script of my game, talked to strangers online, browsed neocities... regular neet stuff. don't think i did anything else. i was gonna go to the city to try and find a new keyboard, but did some research and realized it was better to wait a few days.
i feel more and more alone each day. ok it doesnt help i didnt take my meds today until way later, but like, damn. browsing through neocities makes me feel even more alone, like i thought i'd find my people here but i guess not. doesn't help my site is so unfriendly. and i keep feeling like finding love is impossible because of my gender specially. idk, just tough. tough being alive.
i wanted to add a chatbox to my site but cbox wasn't working, then neocities stopped working... nothing works in this damn thing!!

day 5 - (cont'd)

ok, i went to the nutritionist. if you'll indulge me for a bit, i'd like to rant.
i hate doctors for a lot of reasons but one of them is how they expect you to be the most healthiest person on the planet, and i just wish i could tell them to their face that i don't want to be healthy. of course, i want to be FUNCTIONAL, which i'm not currently, but i don't want to have a perfect sleep schedule and routine and go to the gym and whatever, i just want to have a normal regular ass body who works. i'm not gonna compromise my precious sleeping habits and i'm not gonna go to the fucking gym or do sports or do any exercise that isn't the bare minimum (i.e. pilates, lol). and this nutritionist speaks in such an annoying brazilian-milennial normie way that i couldn't stand. anyway. i'm glad my diet is probably going to go well for me since its food that i like and i like eating. oh, yeah, eating. i feel like a lot of people develop eating disorders because of the previously mentioned expectations of doctors and other people that you need to be healthy and have the perfect body. like, no. you do need to be at least a little bit healthy but you don't need to be the healthiest person alive just to exist... but i know ed's are way more complex than that. i think it just adds to the wound. anywayanyway, im gonna try to get to at least 60kg and eventually stop seeing this nutritionist and try to maintain my weight (i currently weigh 40kg). thanks for listening have a great day >:(

day 5 - 3.jan.2025

finally slept normally. yesterday morning i was very anxious and agitated and didn't want to sleep but ended up doing so anyway. tonight i basically did nothing again. i tried rewatching A Serious Man but i got kind of bored and also way too mad at the things happening to the protagonist so i dropped it. also tried playing killer7 but its so hard that i ragequitted. worked more on the site. thought about life.
i've been thinking more and more about love and how much i want it. i literally won't be able to be with anyone except the most perfect pair for me, and i won't be decently happy until i find that person. it's eating at me because i know i can't find that person and i'm wondering if i'll ever find them. i think girls are always, always weary of guys, specially the type of girl i'd like, and would never give any chance to me if we weren't already friends. but that's the thing, i haven't been able to meet and befriend a girl who i'd like romantically, and i think they won't want to meet and befriend me. i talked about music girl but being realistic we're in two completely different worlds. i can't see us in a relationship. i don't think we'd be able to communicate properly.
so that's it. i'm at a pickle. really tight spot. you'd think my antidepressants and antipsychotics would make me feel better, but they aren't doing shit. i feel like fucking shit all the time.
today i'm going to the nutritionist. i got suspended from my job because i was too weak, and my boss (aunt) said i should see some doctors. i was indicated to see a nutritionist which i already wanted to, because i need weight. i am going today and i feel like not much is gonna change because the amount of food i need is not the amount of food i can afford or cook. either way, i'm going.
speaking of health, one of my worst traits is wanting to not be healthy. i kind of feel better when i'm miserable, like i'm more myself. and being myself is the best thing to be. though, of course, i'd like to be myself with someone else by my side. i thought of my ex girlfriend tonight and how much i wish i could love her as much as she loved me. she was perfect. i just don't think she was the one and our relationship was too stressful for me to stay with her. in case you're wondering, i thought of breaking up with her during the entire relationship but only did when the year was ending because i couldn't bear it anymore and i knew she'd prefer me to break up then for me to lie and "settle for her". it was a hard decision but the most mature, coldly rational one. i do miss her but i can't lie and say i don't think my real soul mate is out there.

sometimes i wish i was a squirrel.

day 4 - 2.jan.2025

i have been sleeping so badly lately. of course, part of it is because i'm sleeping by day, but like, i can never get a full time of sleep because something always wakes me up earlier and i cant get back to sleep. i've been trying to stay awake while feeling extremely sleepy and weak all the time. guess i'm back to my state of 2020/21/23.
i changed basically everything on the site. i mean, yesterday i chose to change the background, theme and colors of the site, theming it around that roses hill scene from kino no tabi. now today i got a bunch of stamps, did a nice background, put some dividers... basically it looks a lot more original, and i totally vibe with it. i love how no one who knows me would ever think i'd have a site like this, but you, my dear anonymous reader, knows more about me than my closest friends now.
about music girl... yeah that was an ephemeral thing. i'm still gonna try getting closer as a friend, like i said, but otherwise, i feel like there really isn't anyone for me out there, which is yknow my whole life purpose. now i have to face life without the notion that i'll have someone by my side. i have to make plans for myself, etc.
i tried doing things like playing killer7 but i died because the game was running very poorly. i also couldn't watch anything or write anything because i was both tired and motivationless througout the entire night. i only wanna work on the site, which is my current obssession, but my html/css knowledge is too limited. i was gonna ask for a friend to help but eh, whatever.
im gonna try to add more stamps and buttons, maybe do some myself. oh, i'd love to have silver case stamps... also gonna see if i pay my best friend to organize this site for me, because im too lazy. and i think they might do it if there's money involved, lol.

day 3 - 1.jan.2025

yesterday i slept like shit on purpose. by morning i was extremely sleepy, no strength on my bones whatsoever, but i stayed awake. i kept sleeping and waking up on purpose, then woke up for real at 11 am, then slept again at around 5 pm. i ended up sleeping badly because my relatives came here (my house is only 1 floor, and its rather small so i can always hear everything). they went away and i slept so heavy that i woke up with my mouth open, my arm over my other arm (so much pain) and sweating like a pig. it was new year's eve! my mom made chicken and potato, which i love. later i just played more killer7 and kept wasting time. i made a song for my vn, wrote for it a little bit because i want to show it to my friend and ask him what he thinks of it. the ost sounds veeery much like silver case which is very obvious because the game is inspired by it.
still thinking about music girl though not so much thankfully. these crushes come and go. she's much more of a normie than i thought and thats why i thought we have 0 chemistry, but its just that she talks differently. i guess that means we do though? idk. im not like actively seeking anything its just that shes pretty and makes good music so naturally i'll feel stuff.
keeping a dream diary is funny cause unlike other people i dream every day and i always remember the dreams, though sometimes i cant explain them well. when that happens i'll either not write or just use keywords.
i'm thinking of adding more stuff to this website. it's still not as pretty as i wanted.
i don't want to sleep yet but my body is not giving me much of a choice. im persevering though, since my endurance is huge. im drinking coffee and shit. i just want to be awake to experience being alive, man!! leave me alone!!
oh, i also wrote more for my novel. i don't really fw my writing that much but i hope people do. what i like the most is having ideas and showing them to people.
i also listened to phil elverum's new album, night palace. i put my thoughts into words but i think people are gonna hate me for them. i just feel very gen alpha about it, lol. its a good album tho! he never misses.
anyway, i'll see if i work more on the site later. for now i'll kill more time.

day 2 - 31.dec.2024

last day of the year and i feel like shit. i didn't accomplish anything. in fact, i'm definitely way way worse than last year and the rest of the year. i didn't do anything today besides listen to music and play some stuff. i talked to two friends.

i still think about my ex all the time and i feel bad for how i treated her the last time. i was way too harsh because i thought she wanted to convince me to get back with her so i overcompensated and in the end i think i just made things worse. now i want to open up my heart and tell her why exactly i broke up. my biggest paranoia is that she'll think i did discard her and didn't truly love her and start hating me, which is the last thing i want in life. i miss her opinions and inputs because she was the smartest people i've ever known. sometimes when i post things or talk here it's stuff i'd say to her and she might read. either way, it's over, and i don't regret my decision.

i talked to some people on chitchat.gg. it's like an omegle alternative that seems better and better moderated, though the people i talked to are kinda boring. met a 50 year old guy who owns a record store though, he was kinda cool. i also tried dismegle but eh, wasn't working very well.

did talk more to music girl, realized we have 0 chemistry, at least on the net, but i'm still puzzled by her. will try to be her friend at least. when i get a crush on someone like this i cant stop thinking about them, it comes with the autism, and i know my feelings aren't as deep as my brain is making them out to be but they still linger.

kind of giving up on my game. the demo is way too short, even though it took me like a year to make. i also don't understand programming nearly as much as i should to make this. i don't have the money to pay someone to help me (i was expecting to finish a demo so i could do crowd funding) and i've been getting lazy about actually writing it. also been feeling like my writing is ass.

realized maybe my clairvoyance is why i'm so obssessed with finding love. i know things, i've always known things, i've always seen what happens in the future. i guess this is why the only thing i wanted since i was like 4 is finding a lover who completes me, it's because i always knew it was going to happen and it was going to mean something big to me, but it just hasn't happened yet. i'm sorry, but it hasn't. it's fucked up that i put my entire life expectations on this but this is the only reality i've ever known.

still thinking about silver case... wish there were more games like that. can't play 25th ward yet because i need to play through SFR and killer7 first, urgh. i also have to finish other games like ffx.

of course, i've been sleeping by day so i have no idea how the last day of the year will actually play out for others. this is the last day for me. a nothingburguer.

day 1 - 30.dec.2024

ever since i got suspended from my job i have been doing more of my artistic work, specially games. i've been writing more for my dating sim and recently started writing my first normal vn, which will be better than coding an entire dating sim rpg hybrid from the ground up, at least for a first released full project.
i have been talking to a lot of different people lately, specially girls, and i find myself developing a better resistance to having crushes on every girl i know. however, yesterday, i met the coolest girl i've ever seen.
she makes the most magical music possible and i've grown enchanted with it. i hope i can talk more to her and know her better, cause she seems great.

this is the last week of the year, which was a great year. i dated an incredible person who i still love, and i don't regret it. i hope she's well without me. i also got my first real job, started a lot of projects,
though a lot of really, really awful things happened too. i've grown past them now. i'm looking forward to re-do myself in 2025, completely. i'm going to change myself. be better. be better to people. be better to myself. i want to have a relationship that i like being in. i want to be happy and comfortable in my own home. i want to not feel like a monster anymore.

i find myself needing to update my computer more than ever, specially my keyboard and mouse. my keyboard is too noisy and my mouse is not working properly.
as this is a diary, if i want to talk about what i'm gonna do, i think i'm going to try and distract myself from the cool girl i met. maybe play something, or write more.